I abhor cleaning. I despies it more then anything else in the world. And I probably sound like any other person on this planet. I hate the time it takes, I hate the realization that I have a lot of crap, and I hate that once everything is clean I cannot find anything.

I also hate it for making me realize how inadequate I am at changing myself. I want to be a clean person, I want to live in a nice space. But cleanliness is just out of my reach. My dad has a motto, “A place for everything, and everything in it’s place.” I want to live by that motto, I want to be disciplined enough to put things away as I’m done using them. This inability to stay clean makes me realize that there are characteristics of myself that no matter my desire to change them, I won’t be able to. I will always struggle at being clean, I will always feel inadequate when compared to other people. I’m not naturally clean.

But that isn’t an excuse. I’m not giving up in my goal to be clean. If I didn’t push myself to be cleaner, then my room would be even more trashed. Because I did use it as an excuse before. When I was a child and throughout my teenage years, I wouldn’t clean at all, because it didn’t come natural. And I would hate my space. I wouldn’t want to go into my room because it was trashed. I couldn’t find anything. And I wasn’t very happy.

After having my son, I realized how unfair it was to him, to force him to live in such a messy, trashed environment. And I forced myself to clean. I forced myself to care. Even now my room is not usually spotless, but it’s a lot better because I work on it everyday. It’s like a continual project. When I’m going to watch tv, I’ll force myself into my room and put that program on my laptop. I’m still doing what I want, but being productive while I’m doing it. I’m rarely bored, because I’m working on laundry, or cleaning whenever I have ‘nothing’ to do. It forces me out of my comfort zone. But I’m happier, I feel more productive, and I’m proud of myself.

Realizing that something is not one of my natural skills was unpleasant, but it was worse when I used it as an excuse to not clean. I can’t change my natural talent, but I can teach myself ways to get around it. Force myself to do something. This is a battle of wills, of discipline. And can be applied to any area in which you struggle. You just have to get to the point where you want skill x so badly that you’re willing to work for it. And it may always be a battle, but I feel so much better knowing that atleast I try to be clean, rather then giving up on any hope of being clean.

Old ring that doesn't fit

This past weekend has been both wonderful and horrible. And I hate when life is like that. I hate when people purposely try to diminish the wonderful things that happen in my life. I hate it so much!

So my fiance ‘officially’ proposed to me on Sunday night. It was wonderful. We’ve known that we were getting married for almost two years now, and have a date set! But he never did the down on one knee thing, which never bothered me. But it started to bother him when we would hear these really romantic stories about our friends getting engaged. He felt like he had let me down (which he hadn’t). And my ring didn’t fit anymore, I’ve lost soo much weight.

We went out to eat at Applebees, and I was bitching about my horrible day, and just how stressed I was over the wedding, house, and crazy family. We ate dessert and left. As we were walking towards the car, he got down and asked me to be his wife. Exact words. I loved it.

And some may not find an Applebees parking lot at night during the fall to be perfect, but it felt perfect. It felt right. And he didn’t do it to impress or measure up. He did it because he felt it was right. We had been doing fine without the asking, but it shows to me that he cares enough to make me feel good. Completely unnecessary, but wonderful.

And people like to ruin wonderful things. But I’m not going to talk about it now, because just thinking about N makes my heart soar.

Today was my day off from work, which was sorely needed. This weekend was exhausting. But I always get disapointed whenever I have a day off. I look foreward to it with such expectations. I make lists of cleaning, spending time with friends and family, and some time for myself, usually to create or work on something. But I never do it all. I usually spend time with my family (which is definately not a waste) but I feel like I should do more. That I need to be as productive on my days off as I am when I am working. And  I can’t do that physically and emotionally, I’m too exhausted. So I set myself up all the time for failure, and I hate it.

I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to let myself relax and allow myself to be okay with ‘wasting’ time. And when I do, I find myself more creative. Instead of forcing creative time, I find it when I’m with family. Being driven isn’t always the best thing.

Chronical/Ken Stevens http://blog.mlive.com/chronicle/2007/11/shoppers_were_out_in_force.html

Work, wherever you work, is one of the hardest, most annoying things ever imagined. And I love my job. I do something that fits my skill set but yet challenges me on a daily basis. I do something that is very good for the ‘me’ at this moment. I don’t see myself doing this the rest of my life, but I’m learning so much.

I was recently promoted to a supervisor position from an entry level. So besides doing the work that I very much enjoy, I know how to deal with fellow workers. I thought I would do ‘okay.’ I know I’m very young to be in this position and I expected to meet resistance from the people that had been with the company for decades but I didn’t expect to meet it from my age peer group. The older workers accept me as a supervisor, I know my shit and they can see that. But I’m struggling with the people my age. And I think that’s happening for several reasons.

1. They thought that having a ‘buddy’ as a supervisor would be fun. But it’s not. I have the same expectations as any other supervisor. And I know all the places where they would slack.
2. They think that I’m the same as them. To me this is a joke. I have a three year old son, I don’t party, I want to excel at my job. This job to them is their ‘collage’ job. They don’t see it as a career so they don’t give a shit. But I very much do and so we are coming into conflict over our two very different goals and views of the work.
3. They know that they can complain about me. They know I’m young, and new at my job. They know that my supervisors will listen and talk to me about it. And it’s just me doing my job.

Even though this has been a struggle adjusting to this job, I’ve learned many valuable lessons already that I will hopefully carry on to my next job. The first is to be Aware. Part of the problem was that I wasn’t aware of what was happening when I wasn’t looking, how I was speaking to them, or their attitudes towards me. I’ve learned to watch what they are doing at all times, and take note of it. It may not seem important but having a source of information about problems is a good thing whenever talking to a supervisor. The second is, be aware of how I was addressing them. Was I being controlling? Was I acting like a know it all? Do they have justification in their complaints? I really wanted to know if I was treating them in a way that I wasn’t aware of. So I kept a notebook of all our interactions. I wrote down what I said to them and what they said to me. I was sick of being blindsided by complaints that I had no memory of. I didn’t like it becoming ‘she said this’ when I had no clue! Keeping a notebook leads me to the third point. By keeping a record, by being aware of our conversations, I saw that they were giving me attitude. They didn’t respect me and they made it very clear in the tone that they spoke to me. And I didn’t realize it!!! I had just been brushing it off. And now, I have tools available to me if the conflict continues.

The second step to work conflict is to Evaluate. Is this conflict worth the effort of solving? Is it that important. There are going to be situations/conflicts that just don’t matter. They may be annoying but meaningless. Are these conflicts going to show up on review? Are they going to impact future promotions? These questions matter  a lot in my decision of conflict resolution. Do I really care that these girls say that I make them ‘feel’ bad? Not really. But if it affects my future I do care.

The last step is Solution. So I have my notebooks of information. I have evaluated that this conflict matters. What is next? First, reduce your interactions with them to the minimum to do your job. Why give them more ammunition? Just stay away, they can’t complain if they never interact with you. The second step may be controversial but it makes me feel better. Make their life boring (I wanted to say ‘hell’ but that has too many nasty connotations). You want them to find their job boring. You want them to realize that they don’t get to do pet projects or fun extras. They are replaceable, but you don’t want to say that outright, it needs to be a slow revelation. I am their supervisor, I determine the work that they do and I don’t want to reward them for complaining about me. I’m trying to do it in the least obvious spiteful way. I don’t want to get in trouble for punishing them for complaining about me. But I don’t have to make their lives enjoyable. Lastly, if your supervisor is still talking to you about them, bring out the notebooks. Show them the evidence. Let them see for themselves how you are treating the girls and let them know about their negative behavior. Conversing with a supervisor is a good thing, let them know your frustrations with the workers. It’s not a one way street, you don’t have to take complaints lying down.

If you are good at your job, if you work hard, and you care, complaints from a few individuals won’t matter. I was promoted over these girls for a reason, and I will do my job well regardless of what others may think of me. I won’t let their negativity drain my creativity and love for my job. If I didn’t create a course of action, if I didn’t funnel my creativity into this problem, I would be incredibly frustrated. Creativity isn’t just taking photos, or drawing, it’s dealing with life’s problems in a positive manner. Don’t limit your creativity to your days off or when you’re not at work. By seeking creative solutions, you’re increasing your prospects.

But, I want it to snow in December! Not October! I want Halloween. I want Thanksgiving. I want trees changing colors without snow on them! There are moments when I wish that the weather in Minnesota was normal. Then I realize that I love Minnesota because it’s not normal. It does whatever it wants, thus we Minnesotans are experts at adapting, of rising to new challenges at a moments notice.

This picture was taken in St. Cloud, MN on March 31. This was the last major snowfall that we have had. And I don’t really need another one anytime soon.

However, as I mentioned before, Minnesota weather trains me, as an individual to adapt. I have absolutely no control over the weather. But the weather can have a great impact on my day to day life. And I just learn to adapt. As an artists or creative person, I need to learn to adapt to unfortunate situations. I need to see the beauty, the art, the inspiration in the crappy moments of day to day life.

WE ALL HAVE THEM!!!

Then I have to decide how I’m going to react to the crappy moments. I know people that like to pretend that their life is perfect, nothing is wrong with their husband or children, they are perfection. And I call bullshit. Our reactions to the crappy moments define who we are. I can’t pretend that my life is perfect, I can’t tell myself or others that, it’s not true.

But I can take the crappy moments and make the good be seeking the inspiration, the wonderment, the awesomeness of the moment, good or bad.  That photo of the March blizzard, was a bad day. It took me two hours to get to SCSU for a test that I could not miss. The roads were horrible. But I dealt with the situation, I took the test, I survived.

And that is the first step, survival.

Then find the inspiration. Look at the awesome picture! It may not mean much to you, yeah, it’s pretty. But to me, that photo shows a struggle in which I excelled. I found inspiration, I found a moment in which to be creative.

Our creative moments that we find foster may not seem brilliant to others, but that isn’t the point. The benefit of creativity is to our own soul.

“…every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the coloured canvas, reveals himself.” — Oscar Wilde (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

It felt like a train graveyard. Of years gone by. It made me yearn for hooped skirts and petticoats. Men with top hats and cigars. It’s ironic that almost a century later, traveling by train is once again a serious consideration.